I don't have to hide...but I don't wanna drive.
I'm sorry.
I haven't posted in AGES, but I guess I haven't had much time to feel very inspirational lately. I survived my first semester of law school (or at least I can hope...there may be an adjustment after I receive my grades...) and met a lot of genuinely amazing people.
I feel like I've been a bad friend since I moved--across the board. No exclusions. Sure, I moved, and I can honestly say I rarely have free time, but at the same time, I love you guys and I want you all to know that.
Resolution 1: show the love.
Break is almost over, and before I know it I'll be back in Kansas doing exactly what I'm should be doing now--writing my disseratation. It's almost half done, and I feel relatively good about my progress, but I'm ready for it to start taking a more solid shape. Luckily I finally "got" my conclusion--or at least realized what it should be--so the writing is going much better now.
Why do I always wait until the last minute to do these things? I started the research back in April, but I just sat on it all summer. Now, here I am, just under 3 weeks before it's due, trying to crank out 100+ pages. Craziness...
Sometimes I wonder if I do stupid stuff (like procrastinate) just to make life more exciting. Don't get me wrong. My life these days is plenty exciting, but I wonder if subconsciously I put things off just so that I know I have things to do later. Random, but a plausible idea.
Again, I'm sorry that I have nothing worth reading to say. I guess I just feel like all of my time and energy is going into my diss. Most days I just feel drained. The other day I went to bed without setting my alarm. It was one of the best feelings I've had in a long time. Downfall: my body realized just how much I had deprived it of sleep over the last 3 months and refused to wake up in a reasonable amount of time. Result? I lost several hours of good "writing time." Bummer.
I wish I could work harder. I wish I was more disciplined. I wish I could survive on 4 hours of sleep every night and NOT get tired. I wish my new computer was here. I wish I had more time to spend with my old friends. I wish I could travel more. I wish I lived closer to lil Audrey. I wish I knew where I was going in life. I wish I could see more of the blueprint.
I've found a new color in my painting. It's weird how that happens.
Looking back over the last year, I think there was one huge lesson I began to learn: it's ok to be real.
I've learned a lot about myself over the last year. It was a good year, but hard year, moving to England and then to law school, but I wouldn't trade it for all of the ease in the world. The hard times made me stronger--or maybe I should say weaker. Because that's what it's all about. How weak will I be? How weak will I allow others to see that I really am? How long must we go on pretending that we are strong, when all we want to do is let down the front and be real?
No longer. At least that's what I learned this last year. No more pretending. No more faking. Just all real and uncut.
We don't have to hide.
And no. It's NOT always pretty. But that's life--or at least that's real life. But that's the thing; it's REAL. And what's the point of pretending? What's the good in hiding behind the masks society tells us we must wear? Nothing. And the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can identify what is ailing us, and throw up our hands in surrender.
Don't get me wrong: the journey does not end with a decision to be real. Quite the contrary actually. The quest BEGINS with this very decision. The path of recovery. The quest to be more like Him. The journey of a reflective life.
But it's only once we can say, "For better or worse, this is how I am. This is me, imperfect and all," that we actually allow Him to take the wheel.
I haven't posted in AGES, but I guess I haven't had much time to feel very inspirational lately. I survived my first semester of law school (or at least I can hope...there may be an adjustment after I receive my grades...) and met a lot of genuinely amazing people.
I feel like I've been a bad friend since I moved--across the board. No exclusions. Sure, I moved, and I can honestly say I rarely have free time, but at the same time, I love you guys and I want you all to know that.
Resolution 1: show the love.
Break is almost over, and before I know it I'll be back in Kansas doing exactly what I'm should be doing now--writing my disseratation. It's almost half done, and I feel relatively good about my progress, but I'm ready for it to start taking a more solid shape. Luckily I finally "got" my conclusion--or at least realized what it should be--so the writing is going much better now.
Why do I always wait until the last minute to do these things? I started the research back in April, but I just sat on it all summer. Now, here I am, just under 3 weeks before it's due, trying to crank out 100+ pages. Craziness...
Sometimes I wonder if I do stupid stuff (like procrastinate) just to make life more exciting. Don't get me wrong. My life these days is plenty exciting, but I wonder if subconsciously I put things off just so that I know I have things to do later. Random, but a plausible idea.
Again, I'm sorry that I have nothing worth reading to say. I guess I just feel like all of my time and energy is going into my diss. Most days I just feel drained. The other day I went to bed without setting my alarm. It was one of the best feelings I've had in a long time. Downfall: my body realized just how much I had deprived it of sleep over the last 3 months and refused to wake up in a reasonable amount of time. Result? I lost several hours of good "writing time." Bummer.
I wish I could work harder. I wish I was more disciplined. I wish I could survive on 4 hours of sleep every night and NOT get tired. I wish my new computer was here. I wish I had more time to spend with my old friends. I wish I could travel more. I wish I lived closer to lil Audrey. I wish I knew where I was going in life. I wish I could see more of the blueprint.
I've found a new color in my painting. It's weird how that happens.
Looking back over the last year, I think there was one huge lesson I began to learn: it's ok to be real.
I've learned a lot about myself over the last year. It was a good year, but hard year, moving to England and then to law school, but I wouldn't trade it for all of the ease in the world. The hard times made me stronger--or maybe I should say weaker. Because that's what it's all about. How weak will I be? How weak will I allow others to see that I really am? How long must we go on pretending that we are strong, when all we want to do is let down the front and be real?
No longer. At least that's what I learned this last year. No more pretending. No more faking. Just all real and uncut.
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
"Hide" by Joy Williams
We don't have to hide.
And no. It's NOT always pretty. But that's life--or at least that's real life. But that's the thing; it's REAL. And what's the point of pretending? What's the good in hiding behind the masks society tells us we must wear? Nothing. And the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can identify what is ailing us, and throw up our hands in surrender.
Don't get me wrong: the journey does not end with a decision to be real. Quite the contrary actually. The quest BEGINS with this very decision. The path of recovery. The quest to be more like Him. The journey of a reflective life.
But it's only once we can say, "For better or worse, this is how I am. This is me, imperfect and all," that we actually allow Him to take the wheel.
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
--"Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
We don't have to hide, but I don't wanna drive anymore...
Selah,
Nanette
posted by Nanette @ 7:13 AM
2 Comments:
At January 04, 2006 2:21 PM,
Gretchen Magruder said…
Nanette, I was so bummed to not get to catch up with you more at the wedding! We all loved seeing you (sophia is still talking about you!) and even though it isn't the same as talking face to face, I appreciate you sharing your blog with us!
At January 09, 2006 8:35 PM,
erinlizabeth said…
;pbr upi
thanks for being an amazing sister :)
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